The Voices – Sudakshinaa

We are all blessed! But somewhere in the cacophony of life, we lose our sweet voices and become the pawns of life. However all it takes is the realization of those blessings in our lives..

#thevoices #helloworld #prakashak

 

The Voices

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I was waiting for my friend at a cafe by the beach. I was enjoying the heat with my typical sunglasses along with my tomato martini. I knew that my friend was going to get late since old habits die hard, I had prepared myself mentally and thankfully was able to enjoy the solitude, which didn’t last long. I saw a  girl walking towards my table. She looked familiar, she sat on my table and started talking to me, she greeted me like we knew each other since a long time but I just couldn’t recollect her name. So I played along and then I realized that she was my friend from pre nursery class. To be honest, I was both guilty and delighted. I was so happy to see her, she was my first friend ever which I had made on my own but at the same time I felt guilt as she remembered everything and I was blank. Though after a while I thought may be she is making it up. However I enjoyed the conversation with her. Also she had grown up to be so beautiful that watching her talk was anyway a delight but something troubled her beautiful mind constantly. She told me everything about her life, her people and she would just get more upset while talking about few things, not that I wanted her to talk about them but she did. Those things were not dark or upsetting, she  made it all sound normal and cool but somehow the darkness started to upset her. After a while she left, I asked for her number but it looked like she didn’t want to do that. She had mentioned during the conversation that she was on detox but only after she left I understood what toxicated her. When she left I started brooding over her mindset and that took me to the phase .. it started unknowingly.

As a Child I had a lot of unpleasant voices which used to upset me, scare me in the darkness. But I did not pay much attention to them, I  was too busy in building my Dreamland. As I grew older, these voices started to overpower me.  These voices that didn’t match the pitch of my people, I tried to avoid but it followed me to the point that I got scared. It kept hammering my brain whenever I tried to think something positive, I tried to avoid them.  But when I was alone I couldn’t stop the voices! That voice bringing me down all the time. That voice reminding me of all my wrongs. That voice constantly kept telling me, “IT WAS YOUR FAULT!”. And I forced myself to accept it without any reason, without exceptions only to put an end to this. I told everyone about it but they asked me to not pay heed to them, they said that it is a phase and I can handle this on my own. So that’s what I did, one day I decided to put an end to these voices! I Shouted louder than them! The volume decreased with each time I shouted and ultimately my voice scared away those voices. Then I developed my defence mechanism to shout louder than  others. I started doing that frequently because I enjoyed being more powerful than the voices! I developed a habit. Whenever I heard an unsoothing voice, I would shout at them and now I could finally sleep. But when I was with my people I unintentionally behaved in the same way, they ignored my behavior for a while but after that they started calling me loud, impulsive and psychotic. They stopped hanging out with me. So the only source of the positive voices in my life on whom I was dependent left me alone. I blamed them for leaving me, I always thought that they will understand me and help me. After all they were the ones who said that I can fight this on my own and I am brave enough to put an end to this. That is exactly what I did and I had also succeeded but at th cost of my people. So I stood there for days alone,

After a while I was overwhelmed with that loneliness.

I figured that may be what I did was wrong so I let the voices empower me once again. I felt so weak, I became the slave of these voices and it started sucking out the life  from me though because I stopped being loud, I managed to make a few friends. But it was not the same,  the words I once owned were not mine anymore. I used to have my own opinions but now they belonged to those voices. I gave in to them. I was nothing. Just a body of flesh with no aspirations. I found peace in dark, it comforted me.

I couldn’t see anyone, so it was easier for me to avoid the vaccum. But slowly it started suffocating me. I wanted to get out. The voices kept holding me so tight that I couldn’t move.

And that’s how I lost myself there.

Pretty judgmental of me to say that, but I  thought may be she too was going through something like that.

May be she too needs that voice which had snatched me out of that darkness.

While having myself compromised to the darkness, I got weaker as days passed by. My existence scared me. I doubted myself and every decision that I made was not of mine own anymore.

 I had to get out of this darkness I cried for help but nobody could hear because I had lost my voice. For days I was in guilt for upsetting people around me, for being like this. I hated myself so much that I didn’t want to live. I attempted giving up on my life but failed every time. I was on a roadblock again. with every morning the sun got brighter and my soul got darker.

Admist of this chaos I heard a voice calling out my name, trying to find me, get me out of this chaos. That voice was very soothing, the one which I had never heard before.

That helped me walking bare body with a wounded soul and the same loud voices in my head but when I accepted them, I got my voice back. Everything that disturbed me became an opportunity for me to explore my boundaries. I was reborn with the positivity inside me. And today even if everything is not perfect, I know that there is perfection in what I am today because my voice will be there for me forever.

I wanted to stop her, talk to her, tell her that everything is going to be okay. But those would just be my words lost in the voices she is fighting right now, I just hoped that someday she will find her voice and will meet me again on a brighter day after the long night.

 

Sudakshinaa

2 thoughts on “The Voices – Sudakshinaa

  1. Loved the way you talked about loneliness and depression. I wish everyone will get the help they needed and find their voice.

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